Forgetting How to Breathe Page 8

  Cathy raised an eyebrow. “We’ve talked about this, Tia. You and Tag are part of our family now and we haven’t really had a chance to get away for any family-type fun since you arrived.”

  Tia shrugged, feeling storm clouds gather. “I guess you’ve been busy with lodge guests.”

  Cathy picked up on the dig and looked sharply at her.

  It was true that the lodge had been busy, but Tia knew her comment was unfair. The time Tia spent at Ice Pony Ranch was at least part of the reason. Cathy could have insisted Tia spend more time helping out at the lodge, but she didn’t and Tia didn’t offer.

  Tag, on the other hand, couldn’t wait to pitch in. He’d rush to finish his homework and head down to the boathouse with Bob to take care of fishing rods and lure. Often, when Bob was taking guests out on the lake and there was room left in the boat, Bob would invite him along. At first, Bob had invited Tia too, but she had no interest in stinky fish.

  “Come on, Tia,” Cathy pressed, as she added juice boxes to the cooler. “It’ll be fun. Besides, I could really use your help with the girls.”

  The real reason Cathy wants me to come along, Tia thought. Now that fake mom trusted her with Summer and Daye, it was like looking after them had suddenly become her job. She pressed her hands into fists, scrunching the towel she was holding.

  She could feel Cathy’s eyes on her. Tia glanced up. Yep, she was definitely staring.

  “Is something wrong?” Cathy asked.

  “No,” Tia said through clenched teeth. “Everything is fine.”

  What did it even matter? Her plan to find Richard hadn’t panned out—the hotels she’d contacted had been no help at all. And without Richard …

  The words rocketed around and around in her brain like a stone in a dryer. Without Richard, without Richard, without Richard.

  She unscrunched the towel and folded faster.

  “Tia!” Summer cried, bursting into the kitchen and hugging her leg. “Can I help?”

  The dark emotion that had begun to build like a summer storm pushed back a little. Then, a little more. None of this had anything to do with Summer or Daye. She picked up another towel. “Sure. You take this side”—she had the little girl hold a corner in each hand—“and I’ll fold this side up toward you. And again. See? All done.”

  Summer giggled and held up her hands for another towel. A moment later, the giggles doubled as Daye joined them. “Me too?” she asked.

  “Of course.” Tia gave Daye the edges she’d been holding and set the girls folding together.

  Cathy leaned close to Tia as she walked past, carrying the cooler to the door. “You are so good with them, Tia,” she whispered. “Thank you!”

  Tia felt like growling all over again. She liked Summer and Daye. They made her feel like they could be her little sisters for real. Cathy just tried too hard, which only reminded Tia of how separate she and Tag were from this family.

  Bob pushed through the swinging door with Tag hot on his heels. “Come on!” he boomed. “Everyone pile in the van.”

  Reluctant, Tia followed Bob outside and climbed into the third row of seats beside Tag, while Summer and Daye were secured into the second. The ten-minute drive to the community hall felt like an hour. Tia stared out the window the whole time, watching the gravel road disappear behind them and wishing she hadn’t been forced to come along.

  Cathy twisted in her seat to look at them. “I’m so glad we’re all together.” She smiled, her eyes glistening.

  “Fambly time, fambly time!” Daye chanted while Summer giggled.

  Tia rolled her eyes. Great. Cathy had brainwashed the twins with that stupid phrase.

  At the hall, everyone tumbled out of the van. Inside and off to one side, there was a makeshift stage with four people, mouths pressed to microphones as they sang and strummed guitars. Beyond the stage, there were food booths set at more or less regular intervals.

  “Look!” Daye cried, pointing as they began exploring. “Bouncy Land!”

  “I want to do that!” Tag said, pointing toward a booth displaying crude-looking tools with wooden handles. “Can we look at the Viking tools? Please?”

  Cathy was already looking harried and Bob was nowhere to be seen. He’d probably seen somebody he knew as they walked and had stopped to chat. He hadn’t stopped calling out to people since they arrived.

  “No! Bouncy Land!” Daye cried.

  “Bouncy Land!” echoed Summer.

  “Why don’t we do Bouncy Land first and then look at the tools?” Cathy suggested. To Tia, she added, “There’s no way Summer and Daye will stand still unless we do it this way.”

  Sure, Tia thought, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. Of course. Cathy said a lot of pretty words about family, but her real children always came first. She watched as Tag swallowed his disappointment.

  “Come along, Tia!” Cathy called as Summer and Daye pulled her along. “And don’t forget the cooler.” She had dropped it in order to clasp hands with each twin.

  Tia picked it up, fuming over the fact that Cathy expected her to carry it without even asking. Before she put the strap over her shoulder, she gave the cooler a hard shake, as if to bruise what was inside. She knew it was silly—egg salad sandwiches didn’t bruise—but she had to do something. She felt her big, black blob of bad mood grow, grow, grow inside her. Pretty soon it would leak out of her ears.

  Tia saw no other choice so she trailed after them. As Cathy and Tag watched Summer and Daye jump madly about the inflated enclosure, Tia daydreamed about what kind of baby Disa would have. Grandpa Bebe had said Disa was still a few weeks away, but it seemed like that’s what he said every time Tia asked. Disa must be getting a little closer. Would it be a boy or a girl? Would its colour be like its mom’s, or its dad’s, or something all its own?

  If Cathy hadn’t insisted on this stupid family time, she could be at Ice Pony Ranch right now, instead of lugging around coolers and bearing witness to her brother’s disappointment.

  As she looked around, Tia realized she’d been here before. Three summers ago, in this very hall, for a craft fair with Mama and Tag. Afterward, they’d stopped at the H.P. Tergesen General Store because Mama had wanted a book to read at the nearby beach. There’d been books all right, but also shelves and shelves of toys, candy, dishes, almost anything you could think of. There’d also been a compact mirror with a shiny, blue case that looked like a shell when it snapped shut.

  Tia still didn’t know what had come over her that day.

  After making sure no one was looking—not Mama, not the storekeeper, not her tattletale little brother and not any of the other shoppers—she’d grabbed that mirror and slipped it into her pocket. She’d expected to be stopped by the storekeeper or someone else, but that hadn’t happened.

  Fearing Mama would never believe she’d just found it if it looked too new, Tia had scooped some gravel from the road, dropped it into her pocket with the mirror and rubbed it around a little. Later, as Mama spread out a blanket and doled out peanut butter sandwiches, Tia pulled the mirror out, smiling big as she revealed her found treasure.

  Mama had known, though, like she always did when Tia wasn’t being her very best self. She’d marched Tia right back into Tergesen’s and made her give it back—along with an apology. Then she’d forced Tia to purchase the mirror using the money she’d earned from walking dogs and weeding gardens around the neighborhood.

  Tia kept that mirror as a reminder of the worst thing she’d ever done and would never do again. She kept it until it was taken from her at their first placement. It was cracked and the foster mom said it was dangerous.

  Just one more piece of her past, and of her Mama, taken from her.

  As Summer and Daye emerged from the Bouncy Land exit, cheeks flushed and grinning, Tia snapped back to the present. Bob reappeared carrying a bag of deep-fried donuts for all.


  “Oh, Bob, not until after we have our lunches!” Cathy cried.

  Bob looked confused. “Oh. Well then, let’s have lunch!” he said, herding them towards the tables and chairs that had been set out.

  Tia saw Tag look wistfully at the Viking booth as they walked past it, but he kept his disappointment to himself, just like always. Tia felt her anger flare. It was all she could do to keep herself from dumping the cooler, snatching up Tag’s hand and running them both far away from there. She’d promised she wouldn’t wreck things for Tag, but why couldn’t he see that they were being treated as second best?

  She would make him realize that, in time, but not today, not while there was at least a chance he might have fun. Instead, she helped Cathy settle the twins at a picnic table and began passing out the sandwiches and juice.

  Tag was silent while munching on his sandwich. He looked like he was pretending to be happy. Tia had seen him like this too many times before.

  “Can we go to the Viking booth next?” Tia asked. She saw a spark in her brother’s eyes as he looked from her to Cathy and Bob.

  “The Viking booth? Why sure, I guess we could,” Bob said. “But there are so many things to see! Those old tools aren’t going anywhere. We should check the entertainment schedule and see what’s on when. We don’t want to miss anything.”

  “The performances for the little kids will be on earlier,” Cathy pointed out.

  “True, true,” Bob said.

  Tia couldn’t bear to hear another word. Jumping up from the table, she stood, arms straight at her sides, hands balled into fists. “And let me guess,” she said, “when those are done, it still won’t be a good time. You’ll have me and Tag stay home with the twins, while you both come back and dance all night with the rest of the grownups!”

  For a moment, Bob and Cathy said nothing. They just stared at Tia, their mouths open in shock. Cathy recovered first. “Tia, honey, what are you talking about? This is a family day!”

  “Sure, as long as your name is—” Tia paused, looking at the twins. She didn’t want to hurt their feelings, but she was just so mad! “As long as your name doesn’t start with T!”

  Tag frowned.

  “I know what starts with T,” Summer said, giggling.

  Tia ignored her. “You know Tag really wanted to go to see the Viking tools, but no, you said he had to wait until after Bouncy Land.”

  “Yay! Bouncy Land!” Daye cried, clapping her hands. Bob shushed her.

  “And now you’re making it sound like it’s not important at all! Like we’re not important!” Tia felt her blood rise along with her voice as she tried not to see the growing number of curious looks from the crowd. “Why don’t you just admit why we’re here? It has nothing to do with family time. Tag and I aren’t your family. We’re just your babysitters!”

  Tag looked at her, his eyes huge and pleading, and Tia clamped her mouth shut. Why had she said that? She loved spending time with the twins! Spinning on her heels, she walked away.

  “Tia, wait!” Cathy cried. “That’s not true!”

  She heard Bob hold her back. “Let her go, Cathy. Let her cool off, first.”

  Yeah, right, Tia thought. She knew the real reason Bob didn’t want to follow. He didn’t want to leave the party! Adults were the same everywhere, whether they were your parents by birth or just temporary.

  “Tia!” Tag cried, running to catch up. “Where are you going?”

  Tia stopped and took him by the hand. “I’m sorry, Tag. I’m really sorry I wrecked things.” Her eyes clouded with tears.

  “It’s okay, Tia. I’m sure you can say sorry, and—”

  “Just go back, okay, Tag? Go back and make sure they take you to the Viking booth.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I don’t know.” But she did know. “The ranch, maybe.” The ache in her was so big, she thought she might break in two.

  “But what about family time?” Tag asked.

  “Do you really think we’re part of this, Tag?” Seeing the hurt in his eyes, she felt awful. And it would get worse, but only for a while. She took a breath. “Look, I’m just in a bad mood, okay? Go back and have fun.”

  After a moment, he nodded. “Okay. See you later?”

  “Of course.” As he turned to leave, she grabbed hold of him and hugged him tight. When she finally let go, she couldn’t speak.

  “You sure you’re okay?” he asked.

  She ruffled his hair and watched him trot back to the Magnussons. Cathy and Bob watched her, but stayed where they were. Tag must have told them she was going to the ranch because Cathy nodded and then waved to her, as if everything was fine.

  Instead of walking along the highway, Tia took the path along the edge of the lake and then another path that joined the highway much farther along. Finally, she was at the lodge.

  In the kitchen, she paused to look at the table, where conversations had been shared, homework finished and laundry folded. Normal family-type stuff. The ache in Tia’s throat increased, making it hard to swallow.

  At the computer, she made one last check of her email. Nothing from the hotels. The ember of remaining hope she’d held so tight fizzled and snuffed out.

  Truth settled in its place.

  Richard was not really a hotel owner and maybe he didn’t even work at one. She guessed she always knew that. He was just a guy. Someone Mama knew for a while and then let go. Temporary, just like everyone and everything else.

  None of that mattered. What happened next was up to her.

  Walking up the hall to her room, she said a silent thank you to the Magnussons for all they’d given her and Tag. Now that she’d made her decision, it was somehow easier to remember all of the other nice things—like the backpacks and the help with homework, and how Bob had spent time with Tag fixing up that old bike and then let him keep it. Even Cathy, really, hadn’t been that bad. When she and Tia talked, Cathy had really listened to her. Tia could tell that she was hearing and thinking about everything Tia said. Even the mean things.

  In her room, she pulled out her backpack and sat on her bed.

  Finally, she let her tears fall. They would be the last she allowed herself, she decided. She knew Tag would be devastated, but she had to do something and this was the only thing left. She would go to Winnipeg and find Mama.

  When she put their family, their real family, back together, Tag would forgive her.

  Tia was the only one who cared enough to get this done, the only one who would turn every stone, follow every lead, until Mama was found. It wouldn’t be easy, especially without Richard, but she had no choice.

  Better she did this now than wait until Cathy finally had enough of her and sent both her and Tag somewhere else. For all Cathy’s faults, Tia knew she would never split up a brother and sister. But Tag liked it here. And this family liked Tag.

  The pain in her heart threatened to split her in two.

  From her school notebook, she tore a blank page and wrote a note for Tag.

  I love you. I am going to find Mama.

  Quickly, not wanting to lose her resolve, she placed the note on Tag’s bed, packed a change of clothes and her treasure box in her backpack and left.

  At the Ice Pony Ranch and Animal Rescue Centre, Tia ducked behind a leafy tree just outside the paddock fence. Grandpa Bebe was riding Garri. She couldn’t let him see her—he might have questions she wasn’t prepared to answer—but she needed to visit Disa one last time.

  She looked to the house to make sure Jennifer wasn’t looking out the window. Scanning the yard, she realized her truck wasn’t even there. Good.

  Tia dashed to the barn, looking again at the kitchen window. An idea sparked, big and terrible.

  What was that old saying? Desperate times call for desperate measures. Like Mama said, sometimes that meant doing things you
never thought you would.

  She ran across the yard to the house, shooting a quick glance over her shoulder to make sure no one would take that moment to come up the drive or walk around the corner, then she let herself in.

  Just like every other time she’d been there, Jennifer’s laptop was open on the table, a stack of notes and envelopes next to it.

  Hands shaking, she moved the envelopes around.

  It wasn’t there.

  There were drawers in the counter close by where Jennifer worked. She opened one. Electrical looking stuff. No good. She opened another. Scissors, a stapler, paperclips and a small cardboard box.

  She opened the box.

  Inside, there was a chequebook, stamps and a credit card.

  She peeked out the window—still no one—and snatched the credit card, stuck it in her back pocket and dashed to the door.

  The credit card felt hot in her pocket. But she needed it. Finding Mama was more important than anything else and a credit card would take her a lot further than the few dollars she’d earned working at the shelter.

  Her hand was on the doorknob. Why couldn’t she turn it?

  “Because this isn’t who I am,” she said out loud.

  It’s not who Mama brought her up to be.

  She returned the credit card to the box and left the house.

  Grandpa Bebe and Garri were still in the back paddock. Making sure she remained unseen, Tia opened the barn door and slipped inside.

  She breathed in the warm scent of sweet hay and horse sweat, heavy with the realization this would be her last time here.

  She stopped briefly to see Dinni first. “You’re such a good girl,” she whispered, “keeping your mama company when I know you’d rather be outside playing in the paddock.”

  Disa gave a whinny and banged against the stall. Tia looked up. “Just a minute, Disa!” she called. “I’m saving my longest visit for you.”